being in thailand causes me to reminisce about my childhood. aspects of my childhood. swim practice, my grandparents house, movies with my dad, watching fireworks with my mom, sleepovers and middle school, lockers and gym class. everything that i don't think about on a daily basis, i think about now. i remember these things. it brings me comfort somehow, knowing that i found the utmost joy in these areas of life and because of these experiences, i shouldn't worry. because i'll have many more of them in the future. what is it about being here, though, that makes me think about them constantly? maybe i have more time on my hands. maybe im more worried about the future, about coming back to st. louis and finding a career. maybe my mind is just more open. maybe im happier. i don't really know. i had a dream during my four hour nap today that i visited my childhood home. from the time i was a baby till about 4 years old, i lived with my mom and grandparents in my grandparents 2-story house in chesterfield. that's where i met suzy, my best friend till this day. i love that time of my life and im glad that even though i was so young, i can still remember precise moments. most of them involve suzy because we were constantly together. we would scream and cry when our moms wouldn't let us have sleepovers. one time suzy snuck out of her house and ran the block to my house, just so she could spend the night. her mom found her and it felt like the most tragic thing in the universe. not being able to be with your best friend. in a stream of consciousness, i feel that way now. i wanna be near suzy. i wanna be near beth. both are going through serious things in their lives and i just can't be there. in a couple months i will be.. but for how long? i don't know. i need a sign or something.